Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.

A sense of humor isn’t everything. It’s only 90 percent of everything.

We must eschew anything trivial. We must embrace all that is frivolous... Trivial things take up all your time and dull your senses, whereas frivolity is meaningful, profound, worth living and dying for... If we devote our lives to frivolity, the world will be a far, far better place. Humanity will be better able to fulfill its primary goal, that of having a good time.

One does not have to sleep with, or even touch, someone who has paid for your meal. All those obligations are hereby rendered null and void, and any man who doesn’t think so needs a quick jab in the kidney.

The country is suffering from musical-chairs syndrome. We all dance around for a bit and then when we try to sit down again, somebody doesn’t have a chair. We’re running scared; we want ours.

We have to have faith in ourselves. I have never met a woman who, deep down in her core, really believes she has great legs. And if she suspects that she might have great legs, then she’s convinced that she has a shrill voice and no neck.

Show me a woman who is prouder of her clean kitchen than of her collection of lingerie and I’ll show you a woman with enlarged pores.

With dogs, you don’t need gurus. Dogs are forever in the moment. They are always a tidal wave of feelings, and every feeling is some variant of love.

You know what we can be like: see a guy and think he’s cute one minute, the next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says, ‘I’d like you to meet Cecil,’ we shout, ‘You’re late again with the child support!’

In Manhattan, marriage is a trend. Couples kiss over their arugula and radicchio salads. They fondle each other’s genitals while devouring their pasta puttanesca. By the time the tiramisu arrives, they’ve slid under the table.